Monday, March 30, 2009

What is Faith?

What is Faith? A simple dictionary definition is:
   /feɪθ/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [feyth] Show IPA
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.

My favorite passage from the Bible defines it as "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 in case anyone is wondering.

What does it take to have Faith? Do you need to go to Church to have Faith? I have Faith. I think. I believe in God. While I don’t know what his plan is for me. I believe he has a plan for me. Is this Faith?

Is it still Faith if I question? Is it still Faith if I cry sometimes because it is. Just. Not. Fair.

Life is not fair, I am well aware of this. But at what point am I no longer the punching bag? I know compared to Job, my trials are minimal. But what if they feel like the breaking point for me? What if I wake up and can’t take it anymore? Is it Faith that I still get up? That I don’t do the Really Bad Thing. Sometimes I still think about the Really Bad Thing. About how my kids would be better off without me.

But I keep going day after day. I want to find a church. I want to go to church. I want to find one that will welcome me. But I don't know if a church will provide me with what I need.

My mom and I were talking about this a few days ago, and she told me that my faith was stronger than many people's. Starting with Sara, moving on to some other trials we have had. She said that would have broken many people. Yet I do keep going. I tell her that I lack faith, my faith has no form.

But will a church help form my faith? I guess what I am afraid of is I will be judged. I know people shouldn't judge but they do. Most of the bad choices I have made I am truly sorry for. But there is the choice I made about Sara. And for that I am not sorry. I know the choice we made with her is against so many fundamental doctrines that I almost feel like a sham for joining the churches. But I can't be sorry for the choice we made, as I believe that God helped guide us to this choice and helped me through it.

I know some of my friends are religious and I think I am turning to you for guidance.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Taking a break.

Yesterday evening when I thought my computer was out of commission I was in a panic. It is my life line to the outside world. But maybe I need to focus a little less on the outside and focus on the inside for a while.

I think this move is coming at a good time. I am going to take a break for the next two weeks. I think I will be back on April 2. We will be moved in (and hopefully settled) into our new place. I just have become too dependent on my computer and online things.

The internet has not been keeping me from the things I need to do. I just don't really know how to explain it. I want to offer my friends advice, but I am always afraid when in relating my story (to try and show commiseration) they are going to think that I am trying to one up them or hijack the thread. Which is not the case at all.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

No computer

Well it looks like my lap top is on the way to being fried again. I don't know how much longer it will be around. I found a couple for under 800 that look nice. But the trouble is coming up with the 800.

I wish I had known this repair was only going to last like a month. Then I would have saved more of our tax return. The good thing is our apartment complex has a computer room with a desktop that I can use.

Even if my computer survives, I will be away from the dates of 3/26-3/30. They have to cut the cable at the end of the billing cycle and can't rehook it up until 3/30. Stinks.

Well it looks like my computer is going to the shop in about 5 minutes.

Signing off.

*******UPDATE************ Turns out this time it was a faulty power cord. So it's only a 70.00 fix.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I just don't get it.

I need to preface this post with: I am pretty liberal by nature. But I do have some conservative leanings. The war in Iraq is not one of them.

I do not support the war. Never have. But I do support our troops 1 million percent. My father is a Vietnam Vet, both my grandfathers are ex-military, and my husband is an ex-air man who is thinking of re-enlisting.

What I don't get is how some people can have such a hatred for our troops. It's not like the troops themselves say "Hey let's go invade a foreign country." They put their lives on the line for us every day. The troops are just doing their job. One they get relatively low pay for. They do this day in and day out so you can post the things that you did on a community forum I frequent. All of the people read this blog know which community I am talking about.

I am not naive I know such hatred exists. This war is already being compared to Vietnam because it has become a quagmire. Let's not treat our troops the same way they were treated after Vietnam.

To all the service men and women out there, we thank you and are proud of you. We want you to come home safely.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I want my cake and eat it too....

We got our tax money today! Who-ho!! Yeah baby. I have paid all the bills we are (were) behind on so we are caught up on absolutely everything. I feel like a weight has been lifted. But now it is time for me to spend money on the "fun stuff" from our budget and I. Just. Can't. Do. It. We budgeted $150.00 to buy Banana a kitchen. I found an awesome one at (it's this one ). No where has it in the stores, it seems to be good the reviews are good, it is $50.00 less than what we budgeted. What is the problem? I just have trouble buying this sight unseen. I am such a terrible online shopper. I have no trouble filling my shopping cart, but when it comes time to check out I hesitate.

Argh we are going to Target tonight for a few things maybe we can look around and see what is there.

(PS shout and big thanks to my wonderful friend from LA who put my mind at ease about the paint).

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A Deeply Personal post

I am about to share something. I debated long and hard whether to put it in my blog. But I figure I have shared so much already this would only be a natural place to share it. Now please don't judge me this was a really hard choice for me to make....

We have picked out paint colors for our new place. See it wasn't really that serious but I needed an attention grabber. Also I am really nervous about what we are doing in the living room.

I watched this how to video on about Ralph Lauren's paint effects. The one that really jumped out at me was the suede. It looks really easy that even a person as inept as I can do it. What has me nervous is the color. It's called "Spitfire" and you can see it here: However it looks more like the color "Snowdrift." Now that has me nervous as to which is the more accurate representation. The paint chip or website? I have also never painted a room brown before. I am from the school of bright vibrant colors.

As evidenced by the colors I am debating over for the rest of the apartment. I am thinking about painting the kid's room Artisan and Topiary Green. The top of the wall will be Topiary and the bottom will be Artisan (these are by Glidden).

Oh we did have a heart attack yesterday. The complex called and told us the people whose apartment we are moving into changed their mind. Ok what does that mean? Well they have the same apartment available on 4/7. We have already burned our bridges here so there is no telling them "Oh by the way..." Then they asked if we had our hearts set on a first floor. Well yes with two little ones... Then she said well we have one available but it is more expensive. Here I am tail spinning. I ask how much more? She puts me on hold while she checks. I am imagining $50 or $100. It is a whole $2.00 more a month. I laughed and said that would be fine.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

A light at the end, that isn't a freight train

Well I checked this morning (as I have every morning since Feb 12) the IRS website. Our refund is scheduled to be direct deposited by 3/24. 2 days before move in. Awesome. I am still nervous, because we still don't know exactly what is going on with our kids SSNs. But whatever, maybe it was just a computer error.

We need this money to get caught up on bills. I don't feel comfortable making a budget without being current. I know that is silly and probably self defeating but that is how I feel. I also feel as long as we are current and I have a budget in place we can stay current.

Yay this is a happy post and hopefully a happy day.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

3 years ago (disclaimer long and rambley)

Three years ago on March 27 we made the hardest choice of our lives. She was born silently on 4-1.

I seem to fall into funks about a week or so before her expected due date, and almost a full month before her actual birthday. I have two healthy and happy babies now, I should be able to move on, or at least not be so consumed by it. But I can't.

I discovered this website: And thought what a perfect way to commemorate her third birthday. They are no longer taking requests because they are so overwhelmed. While my rational sane mind understands that, the emotional wreck part broke down into tears. I am the only one who remembers this day, my family tells me to "Get over it." My husband tells me "You have two kids now, focus on them."

But I don't want her to be forgotten ever. I looked at her pictures for the first time in almost a year and I cried (like I am doing now.) It hurts me to remember her like, I wonder how much pain she was in. I ask why was I punished by having to make such a choice. But then I feel guilty because it is like I am asking why did I have Sara? I love her so much that it breaks my heart.

I have these perfect sonogram pictures and wonder "Why my baby? Why did you make her feel that pain? Why punish her? Why didn't she deserve a chance? Did you punish her because of something I did?"

Am I still being punished for the choice we made?

I know that "they" say like attracts like, so I should think positively and that will attract more positive energy. I think that is a load of crap. I think positively, I try to be a good person, but we can never catch a break. Our friends lie to their landlords and never get caught. And they continue to get what they want. I can't lie. I just can't do it.

I have to listen to people talk about how their parents are offering to get them home loans and help pay off their cars. These are the same people that would rather buy new computers than pay their bills. So when their water/electricity/gas gets shut off they run to mommy and daddy and they get it reconnected for them.

Maybe I am not really living positively maybe I am harboring envy and that is what is keeping us down. I wish I could live without it. It is just hard when we struggle to make ends meet and they throw their new stuff in our faces.

Monday, March 2, 2009


cour⋅te⋅sy (from
   /ˈkɜrtəsi or, for 5, ˈkɜrtsi/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [kur-tuh-see or, for 5, kurt-see] Show IPA noun, plural -sies, adjective
1. excellence of manners or social conduct; polite behavior.
2. a courteous, respectful, or considerate act or expression.
3. indulgence, consent, or acquiescence: a “colonel” by courtesy rather than by right.
4. favor, help, or generosity: The costumes for the play were by courtesy of the local department store.
5. a curtsy.
6. done or performed as a matter of courtesy or protocol: a courtesy call on the mayor.
7. offered or provided free by courtesy of the management: While waiting to board the airplane, we were provided with courtesy coffee.

I wish my neighbors would learn to read this. Our apartments are 868 square feet. It is barely big enough for our family of four. They have a family of five plus at least one or two other people. They always have four or five guests over. Tonight they had 9, yes 9 cars taking up all the parking spots in front of our apartments. The reason we know it is them is because at various times we have seen people going from those cars to the house.

It was icy (because they didn't shovel or salt or sidewalks) windy and FREEZING. We had to park down the block and walk with our little ones on icy sidewalks.

I hate them. 24 days until we are done with them.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

The State of the Onion

Well my computer is back, thank Heavens. One of my friends is giving up our bulletin board for Lent, I barely survived three days without my computer. ***Special Shout Out to my Wonderful Princess Peaches.*** If my computer hadn't been ready Friday I would have used what you gave me, on Saturday. (Like how I made that all cryptic sounding? ;))

I do not recall what I did on Saturday. Oh yes we found a couch for our new place, and Big Man's chair quite literally exploded, so we picked a recliner out. I did some minimal packing and took a nap with Banana. Oh we also stopped by the new place so I could measure walls. We also found out that we could sign all our paperwork the day before so we can start first thing Thursday morning. We also made our monthly trip to Costco and our almost daily trip to Target (although we are getting better). We bought some things at Costco for Chatsworth, a laundry sorter and a kitchen sink set. It is really sad, but I am hyped about that.

Sunday, Sunday Sunday..... My parents took Banana for four hours. I packed, did laundry and cleaned up. Big Man cleaned the kitchen like a fiend and it looks great. I packed more this evening and I am BONE tired. I just can't wait to get to our new apartment.