Tuesday, March 3, 2009

3 years ago (disclaimer long and rambley)

Three years ago on March 27 we made the hardest choice of our lives. She was born silently on 4-1.

I seem to fall into funks about a week or so before her expected due date, and almost a full month before her actual birthday. I have two healthy and happy babies now, I should be able to move on, or at least not be so consumed by it. But I can't.

I discovered this website: http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/. And thought what a perfect way to commemorate her third birthday. They are no longer taking requests because they are so overwhelmed. While my rational sane mind understands that, the emotional wreck part broke down into tears. I am the only one who remembers this day, my family tells me to "Get over it." My husband tells me "You have two kids now, focus on them."

But I don't want her to be forgotten ever. I looked at her pictures for the first time in almost a year and I cried (like I am doing now.) It hurts me to remember her like, I wonder how much pain she was in. I ask why was I punished by having to make such a choice. But then I feel guilty because it is like I am asking why did I have Sara? I love her so much that it breaks my heart.

I have these perfect sonogram pictures and wonder "Why my baby? Why did you make her feel that pain? Why punish her? Why didn't she deserve a chance? Did you punish her because of something I did?"

Am I still being punished for the choice we made?

I know that "they" say like attracts like, so I should think positively and that will attract more positive energy. I think that is a load of crap. I think positively, I try to be a good person, but we can never catch a break. Our friends lie to their landlords and never get caught. And they continue to get what they want. I can't lie. I just can't do it.

I have to listen to people talk about how their parents are offering to get them home loans and help pay off their cars. These are the same people that would rather buy new computers than pay their bills. So when their water/electricity/gas gets shut off they run to mommy and daddy and they get it reconnected for them.

Maybe I am not really living positively maybe I am harboring envy and that is what is keeping us down. I wish I could live without it. It is just hard when we struggle to make ends meet and they throw their new stuff in our faces.

1 comment:

  1. Sorry about your little girl. I think your family is wrong. It may get easier each year, but you never truly 'get over' that. You never forget. :(