What is Faith? A simple dictionary definition is:
/feɪθ/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [feyth] Show IPA
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
My favorite passage from the Bible defines it as "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 in case anyone is wondering.
What does it take to have Faith? Do you need to go to Church to have Faith? I have Faith. I think. I believe in God. While I don’t know what his plan is for me. I believe he has a plan for me. Is this Faith?
Is it still Faith if I question? Is it still Faith if I cry sometimes because it is. Just. Not. Fair.
Life is not fair, I am well aware of this. But at what point am I no longer the punching bag? I know compared to Job, my trials are minimal. But what if they feel like the breaking point for me? What if I wake up and can’t take it anymore? Is it Faith that I still get up? That I don’t do the Really Bad Thing. Sometimes I still think about the Really Bad Thing. About how my kids would be better off without me.
But I keep going day after day. I want to find a church. I want to go to church. I want to find one that will welcome me. But I don't know if a church will provide me with what I need.
My mom and I were talking about this a few days ago, and she told me that my faith was stronger than many people's. Starting with Sara, moving on to some other trials we have had. She said that would have broken many people. Yet I do keep going. I tell her that I lack faith, my faith has no form.
But will a church help form my faith? I guess what I am afraid of is I will be judged. I know people shouldn't judge but they do. Most of the bad choices I have made I am truly sorry for. But there is the choice I made about Sara. And for that I am not sorry. I know the choice we made with her is against so many fundamental doctrines that I almost feel like a sham for joining the churches. But I can't be sorry for the choice we made, as I believe that God helped guide us to this choice and helped me through it.
I know some of my friends are religious and I think I am turning to you for guidance.