Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I need to get the word out

I like to go to Barnes and Nobel and look at books. I am terrible about just picking up a random book because the cover or spin art intrigues me. If the dust jacket makes it sound interesting I will buy it. Or if a friend recommends it I will buy the who series. That is how I discovered this book. I saw the cover and thought it looked interesting. My Enemy's Cradle is about the German Lebensborn, a birthing center for Aryan children. It is an AMAZING and unlike what two of the reviewers thought I had no trouble relating to the characters in the book. I cried for Cyrla and some of the other girls. I don't want to give too much away. But as a mother of two and a baby who didn't make it I find this to be a powerful book and I want to read more about this topic.

(Ok I know this entry sucked and I am not selling this book at all well but READ it.)

Friday, May 8, 2009

It must be Friday

Here I sit, 2 days before Mother's Day. I am in a dark spot right now, I don't know what to do.

My first Mother's Day was spent grieving a lost baby. It was spent rather quietly at my parent's home with my younger brother and husband. I under cooked the potatoes (I was trying to roast them, didn't work) so my brother and I were making potato Martini's. It was funny to watch, I am sure pictures exist somewhere but I don't know where.

I know we won't be doing much on Mother's Day which is fine. But I find myself thinking a lot about Sara. I didn't cry for her on her birthday and a part of me feels guilty for that. I miss her so much right now. I find myself drawn to the grief and loss boards, hoping I can share part of my story to let these ladies know they are not alone. But reading their stories brings back my pain.

I don't want to dwell in it but it is like a comfortable sweater. It slips on so easily and strangely I am comforted by it. It is an emotion other than anger.

I am angry a lot these days. I am angry at the situation we are in, I am angry at Mr. QO a lot. He has slipped back into what I like (well hate really) to call his "internet infidelities". He hasn't taken it as far as he did this summer, but I know that is coming.

I have a group of women I can share this with, but I hate to burden them with this. I am the new guy on the block and I don't want to push them away. In high school one of my friends told me I complained too much, that I always had to make it about me. I guess what she said made an impact, I hold too much in I think. I am afraid to share because I don't want it to appear that I am trying to be an attention whore.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Illness

When Mr. QO gets sick, he gets really sick, no one in the world is or has ever been as sick as he is. It must be a terrible burden on him. It is cured only by staying up until 200 AM playing xbox

Also it is funny that when there is a happy hour that he wants to go to he can magically get out of work on time (early even) but when I need him to come home because I and both children are coming down with the same debilitating illness that he had earlier in the week, nope he has to work late. And because he called out on Monday he can't call out again this week.

Because and this is a direct quote "It can't be that bad".

Oh wait honey as I have said before payback is a bitch.

Friday, May 1, 2009

One Car

We are a one car family. We are not doing it for any political reason. Although I suppose since our one vehicle is a Hybrid it would appear to some that way.

We are a one car family because I enjoy only having one car payment. None would be better but I won't get that for a couple more years.

What I do not enjoy is when I need the car and Mr. Quiet One needs to be to work at 5:00 am. It is not fun getting 2, 2 and under up at 4:00 am. Mr. Quiet One suggests that we could just leave them at home, that they would stay asleep until I got back. I told him he could walk to work.

We managed to get them in the car and they fell back asleep. Awesome. What is not so awesome is when I get home at 5:45 and it is time to get them out.

Both are sort of awake, by this I mean are awake enough to know if I leave one in the car to bring the other one in. So I am juggling two kids, and trying to work the security code to get into the building. I make the biggest mistake of the morning. I set Nana on the ground so I can do the code and open the door.

Let me just tell you this. She is standing up, it's not like I set her naked on hot coals or anything. But she starts to HOWL. I mean bloody murder.

If my daughter wakes up on her own she is very pleasant. If she is woken up, not so much.

I try to calm her down as the hallway is very echo. Didn't work.

To all the residents of my building I apologize for the early AM wake up call. Except for the guys who come in drunk at 300 am. Yeah payback is a bitch.