Here I sit, 2 days before Mother's Day. I am in a dark spot right now, I don't know what to do.
My first Mother's Day was spent grieving a lost baby. It was spent rather quietly at my parent's home with my younger brother and husband. I under cooked the potatoes (I was trying to roast them, didn't work) so my brother and I were making potato Martini's. It was funny to watch, I am sure pictures exist somewhere but I don't know where.
I know we won't be doing much on Mother's Day which is fine. But I find myself thinking a lot about Sara. I didn't cry for her on her birthday and a part of me feels guilty for that. I miss her so much right now. I find myself drawn to the grief and loss boards, hoping I can share part of my story to let these ladies know they are not alone. But reading their stories brings back my pain.
I don't want to dwell in it but it is like a comfortable sweater. It slips on so easily and strangely I am comforted by it. It is an emotion other than anger.
I am angry a lot these days. I am angry at the situation we are in, I am angry at Mr. QO a lot. He has slipped back into what I like (well hate really) to call his "internet infidelities". He hasn't taken it as far as he did this summer, but I know that is coming.
I have a group of women I can share this with, but I hate to burden them with this. I am the new guy on the block and I don't want to push them away. In high school one of my friends told me I complained too much, that I always had to make it about me. I guess what she said made an impact, I hold too much in I think. I am afraid to share because I don't want it to appear that I am trying to be an attention whore.