Friday, May 8, 2009

It must be Friday

Here I sit, 2 days before Mother's Day. I am in a dark spot right now, I don't know what to do.

My first Mother's Day was spent grieving a lost baby. It was spent rather quietly at my parent's home with my younger brother and husband. I under cooked the potatoes (I was trying to roast them, didn't work) so my brother and I were making potato Martini's. It was funny to watch, I am sure pictures exist somewhere but I don't know where.

I know we won't be doing much on Mother's Day which is fine. But I find myself thinking a lot about Sara. I didn't cry for her on her birthday and a part of me feels guilty for that. I miss her so much right now. I find myself drawn to the grief and loss boards, hoping I can share part of my story to let these ladies know they are not alone. But reading their stories brings back my pain.

I don't want to dwell in it but it is like a comfortable sweater. It slips on so easily and strangely I am comforted by it. It is an emotion other than anger.

I am angry a lot these days. I am angry at the situation we are in, I am angry at Mr. QO a lot. He has slipped back into what I like (well hate really) to call his "internet infidelities". He hasn't taken it as far as he did this summer, but I know that is coming.

I have a group of women I can share this with, but I hate to burden them with this. I am the new guy on the block and I don't want to push them away. In high school one of my friends told me I complained too much, that I always had to make it about me. I guess what she said made an impact, I hold too much in I think. I am afraid to share because I don't want it to appear that I am trying to be an attention whore.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you are having a rough time right now. ((hugs)) please feel free to vent to me if you need to. PMAN and I'll send you my email address or IM name. Or catch me on FB. Everyone needs to unload sometimes. Don't feel bad for doing that.