Thursday, October 15, 2009

Monday, October 12, 2009

Well isn't this interesting

Today's Dr. Phil is about mistresses. I am sitting here with my jaw on the floor at the nerve of some of these women. They are telling the wives that it is the wife's fault that her husband cheats, that if she was keeping him satisfied he wouldn't cheat.

I am sorry are you fucking kidding me? I was the perfect wife. I cooked, I cleaned, I BEGGED for sex. Yes I gained weight but that was from having his babies. 3 babies in 3 years? Yeah that will make anyone gain weight.

What did he tell you honey? That I ignore him? That I don't want to have sex with him? Oh please sweetheart.

I don't care that you are heartbroken that he won't end his marriage. I don't care that you built your life around a man who is married. Not my problem. You are not a victim you are really nothing more than a home wreaking whore. Oh you are evil, you are making a conscious choice to have an affair with a married man.

How can you be so stupid to not know he is married? Excuses, Excuses.

You are a sad pathetic creature.

PS and if our marriage did end because of you, I would OWN his ass. In my state I can get as much as HALF his monthly income in child support and alimony and you bet your ass I would.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The First Step

is admitting you have a problem.

Yesterday it occurred to me. I am an addict. I have an addiction. It could be worse but it was kind of eye opening.

I am addicted to caffeine. We were out of my K-Cups so I could have no coffee, we had no sodas or tea. Well by 100 I had a terrible headache. I passed it off as being tired from the lack of sleep. We Big Man got home we went to the store and I picked up a bottle of store brand cola and a bottle of Cheerwine (hallelujah praise jebus we have Cheerwine here). Not 10 minutes after I drank my first glass my headache was gone.

So that was my body going through caffeine deprivation. And I can only get my K Cups off the interweb. Curse my coffee snobbery.

On other notes: Thank you upstairs neighbors clearly you got my memo and stopped clogging about 930.

Banana who is a picky eater loves salami. She is on pieces 8 and 9 right now. Thank goodness it is on sale.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Dear Upstairs Neighbor,

Why hello we have never met. But I am familiar with your laundry at 1100 pm on a Sunday night. Which is annoying but I can deal with, but last night you people took the cake.

Why is it necessary to go clogging from 1030 to 100 am? I am not sure this is what you are actually doing but this is certainly what it sounded like. I am certainly not one to stand in the way of your dream to be Olympic cloggers, please take into account you live on the second floor. Clog all you want, all day starting at 800 am (with the exception of 1130 to 130) and until 9 pm. I lost valuable hours of sleep because I became "that neighbor".

Which neighbor you ask? The bang the ceiling neighbor. Yes friends I banged on my ceiling with my broom. I hate being "that neighbor". But really you all asked for it. There is no reason for such inconsiderateness. See how sleep deprived I am, I believe I am making up words.



PS Now when you achieve your Olympic status please remember all the people who lived below you.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

How I Spent my Summer Vacation

I was in North Carolina for my BFFs gorgeous wedding. It rained, but it really fit the atmosphere. I cried like 4 times during her wedding. Peaches, my dear you were the prettiest September bride I have ever seen.

After Peaches' wedding Big Man drove us 7 hours to my grandma's beach house. He then turned around and drove himself 5 hours home. I guess this is the meaning of true love. 12 hours on the road so I could go to the beach.

A little background on this house. My grandma and grandpa have owned this house for 25 years. It is a little townhouse with 7 brick steps that end in a wooden deck (this will be important later).

This town used to be a blip on the tourist radar, no one knew about it. Well as the years progressed it became more and more popular. This wouldn't be such a problem except these people are rude and have no idea how to treat a wild life preserve. I am super protective of the national park. To illustrate:

This park has wild ponies. Wild is a bit of a stretch but they don't live in pens. Well said ponies will sometimes graze on the side of the road. Idiot tourists think it is fun to feed them.

While this is annoying to me as long as they don't block the road I close my eyes and pretend to ignore it. I also hate people who litter on this island. I mean I REALLY hate it.

Well I am 7 months pregnant with my son. We are driving through the park on the way to the beach. Well there is this couple, the have the cutest little girl. They are trying to put this 4 year old on a WILD PONY'S back. Not only that they left the door open to their gas guzzler, there was trash blowing out all over the park.

I tell Big Man I want to take pictures of the ponies. He looks at me skeptically and pulls over. I get out and pretend to talk on my cell phone about "the idiots who put their little girl on a WILD ANIMAL'S back. I know right? I wonder who they will try and sue when she gets bitten or kicked." They quickly pull their daughter off and get back into their gas guzzler.

I may love my island but I still hate confrontation and can be passive aggressive as hell.

But I digress the last week of September (weather wise and people wise) is perfect. It is warm enough on the beach but not crowded at all. There was only one incident of tourist idiocy on this trip.

There is a beautifully paved bike path next to the road. Bicyclist lobbied hard to get this paved path. You lobbied so HARD FOR IT USE IT! Instead of taking up both sides of the road, use the path. Morons.

Here comes my first FAIL as a mother. I mean it is an EPIC FAIL.

We are on our way out the door for dinner. Remember those 7 hard BRICK steps I mentioned? Yeah my 2 year old took a header down those. One minute she was standing there the next she was tumbling. The good news is she is made of rubber so she is ok. Just some scrapes and cuts.

We are home now and everyone is getting back into their routine. Everyone (including me) is a little cranky.

Tomorrow I will discuss my love for the new Melrose Place. STFU critics it is tv gold. Plus I have a girl crush on Katie Cassidy.