Thursday, December 30, 2010

Are You There God? It's me Rosalie

I have been a believer most of my life. A questioner, but always a believer.

Recently though, I have had the strong desire to find God. I don't want organized religion. Those scare me. Actually they don't, I just have a problem with most of them. I wish I could find a church, I really do. I have no trouble repenting most of my sins, most of the sins I have committed I am sorry for. However my biggest sin, I do not regret, and would do again if presented the same outcomes.

I went to the bookstore today to try and find a book that might help me answer some of my questions. But I don't even know where to start. I want God in my life, I think it might fill a void. I don't think God can fix all my problems, but it may help fill a void that is there.

I don't expect any quick fixes, but something.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Days Gone By

When I was younger my family and I watched a ton of nature shows. It was something we did, usually on Sunday nights.

Right now Banana is sitting on the arm of the recliner eating a cracker narrating a show (in her own words) about brown bears. Evidently big bears hate little bears. She also wants to know where Zaboo is. (The show is being narrated by the Kratt brothers, from Zaboomafoo).

TQ1 is drinking a glass of wine, Big Man is laying on the couch and Little Man is sitting on the floor coloring.

I don't think family time gets much better than this.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


This is a picture of the lifeguard shack at my beach. I call it my beach because I have a deep rooted connection to it.

Have you ever had a place where you could go and you REALLY feel like you are coming home? That you get "power" from? Whenever I think about my beach and it's town I get a very relaxed and settled feeling. If I go away for too long I get antsy. I need this town and it's beach.

It is a four hour drive. Once we hit the Bay Bridge I feel myself getting lighter and happier. As we drive through Cambridge I feel even better. By the time we hit Salisbury I am practically crawling out of my skin. Upon arriving at the intersection that is T's Corner I am vibrating. As we drive through Wallops Island I can feel the weight lifting. As we drive over the causeway I can see it. My town, I can breathe.

I come to this town when I need lifting. The Friday after Sara passed away, we met my parents at my dad's work and made the 4 hour drive. We spent a slightly rainy Saturday just being. It was my husband's first time there. It was a little bittersweet. But despite the pain I was in I felt BETTER.

Instead of taking a 5 hour trip home after my friend's wedding, I opted for the 7 hour trip to go to my beach.

I left at the very beginning of October, and I am getting twitchy. I need to go back. I am counting down the days until we go back. We are debating about either leaving Friday October 1st after my husband gets off work, or BRIGHT and early (5 am) Saturday October 2nd. Realistically it would take us less time if we leave on Saturday. No rush hour traffic. We could be there in 3.5 hours. If we leave Friday night it very likely could take 6 hours.

Choices, choices....

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Random Thoughts

Tomorrow is Father's Day.

Our family's first Father's Day as a difficult one. I was still mourning the loss of one child, and newly pregnant with the next.

There is a sub-board on the bulletin board I post on devoted to girls with Turner's Syndrome. I look at those pretty girls and I can't help but be sad. Why did our little girl have to have ALL the fatal complications associated with Turner's? Did she deserve the chance to live and have a happy life? I know I say "If we hadn't lost Sara I wouldn't have Mariana". Well while this coping method works for the most part, it doesn't make moments like now any easier. I want to know why my baby had to be sick, why did she have to get taken away. But I know I will never know the answer to this question.

Part of this is the guilt over inducing early. But in the long run I know it was the right choice. That doesn't mean I don't struggle with it.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Great Bird Adventure

Well yesterday morning started out as any other. I made the kids breakfast, and was drinking my coffee when I hear a "scritch scritch". It sounded like the noise my cat used to make when she would scratch her claws down the wall. We don't have a cat anymore.

My first thought is, "Ok my neighbors cat is scratching on the wall." Our apartment has WEIRD acoustics, you can hear the kid next door playing with a door stopper, but not hear their music. So I get up to investigate. It is not coming from that neighbor, so I go into our laundry room figuring it is the other neighbor's cat. I hear it again. This time it is very obviously in the wall behind the dryer. The wall we share with no other apartment.

My immediate reaction is OMG A RAT IS BEHIND MY DRYER. Why I jumped to rat, I can't tell you BUT with my luck that is what it would have been. So I round the kids up and stick them in their bedroom, if I am going to battle a rat, I don't want help.

Then it occurs to me I live in an apartment. I PAY for the pest removal. I call the office and the conversation goes like this.

"This is Tara, how can I help you?"
"A rat are you sure? Did you see it?"
"Well something is making ratty noises..."
"Is it behind your dryer?"
"Wow yeah how did you know?" This woman is clearly psychic.
"It is a bird."
"What? A bird that is IN MY DRYER?!" I am not yelling at her, but the panic is evident in my voice.
"Yeah for some reason they don't put vent guards on the first floor units. It happens a lot. We'll send someone out."
"Awesome thanks."

This was about 930 yesterday morning. I deal with the tweet tweet scratch scratch, until 100, when I call to ask if someone is really coming out. They assure me that yes someone will be there.

By 600 pm I have given up hope. But they are quiet so I can deal with it. Big Man gets home, he looks behind the dryer and sees nothing.

At 830 or so they start chirping again. Then I being to wonder if they built a nest. Oh poor mama bird is going to lose her nest, and OMG what if there are eggs in there. I start to feel really bad about evicting them.


Our apartment is not huge, but it is big enough, but I am a painfully light sleeper. So I am UP. All sympathy I had last night is GONE.

I go into the living room and watch Bones. I am in the 3rd Season which is one of my favorites.


OK seriously enough is enough. I go into the laundry room figuring I'll turn on the dryer for a minute and that will shut them up. Then I see movement in the silver snake looking thing behind the dryer.

AH HA! I go wake Big Man by shaking him and saying "THE BIRD IS IN THE HOUSE THE BIRD IS IN THE HOUSE" I am yelling this time. He jumps up and looks like I told him the house was on fire. He thinks he has over slept because I am wide awake and Banana is awake too.

I reassure him that he actually doesn't have to be up for another 20 minutes so he can remove the bird.

He moves the dryer and unhooks one end of the silver snake, I hold a towel over it. He unhooks the other end and the bird tumbles out. He throws the towel on it and I am yelling at him "BE CAREFUL! DON'T HURT THE LITTLE BIRD." He gives me a look as he picks it up and I go to open the door for him. He gently sets the bird down and it doesn't move. I am sad because I think we have killed it.

As I am outside saying a little prayer for my early morning companion, my daughter shuts the door. I hear THROUGH the closed door "OH FUDGE" Of course it is the 4 letter version.

I come back inside in time to see a black missile headed straight for our window. I throw open the back door and it flies away.

My heart is in my throat. I DO NOT LIKE BIRDS.

I go into the laundry room where Big Man is as white as a sheet reassembling our dryer. I ask him if he can please put the little bird out of it's misery in case it is not dead, and if he can remove the body. I don't my kids knowing the circle of life just yet. (We have lots of stray cats in this neighborhood).

When we go back outside to find the bird, it is gone. We think it was just stunned, because there were no tell tale feathers.

So here I sit 24 hours later waiting for the maintenance men to come snake our vent to make sure there are no other surprises.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I'm sorry

4 years later I am still so sorry. I wish I could have given you a chance. Please please please forgive me.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Am I Broken?

I am a stay at home mom. I was laid off in October 2007, right after I found out I was pregnant with my son. We decided that I would stay home until I had the baby and then reassess the situation.

Well Little Man was born with some issues and we priced it out and I make more money doing my part time job for my mom's company.

Prior to staying home I wanted to be a stay at home mom desperately. I thought it would be a ton of fun. Then I was one.

I hate it.

I thought at first it was because I was depressed from being laid off. Then I chalked it up to being pregnant. Next it was because I had a newborn and not quite 2 year old. Then it was because we were trying to move.

I feel so guilty hating staying home, when so many I know would love to be stay at home moms.

Is it possible that I hate it, because it was not done on my terms? Or that we really can't afford for me to stay home (we can't really afford for me to work either). Maybe because we only have one car and I can't really take the kids anywhere?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It spoke to me

"She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts."

I am no longer at constant battle with my sadness. That war will never be over, but I have come to terms with the fact it will always be there. Sometimes it is a comfort to know it is there. Is that weird?


March 30, 2006

This time four years ago I was sitting in an L&D bed waiting for them to insert the lamineria. I met the nurse that would forever impact the way I felt about nurses.

Her name is Kathy Kennedy. She was a gift from God. She was so wonderful and made a horrible situation tolerable.

The doctors kept saying it would only take a few hours. I don't think anyone was prepared for days.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

March 27 2006

The phrase "incompatible with life" entered my lexicon. Today we found how bad it really was. Today were heard things like "surprised you carried this long." "A wonder this pregnancy wasn't miscarried."

Today I learned I would never have a truly "innocent" pregnancy ever again.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

March 25, 2006

4 years ago today we found out there was a problem. We had no idea how bad it was.

Friday, February 19, 2010

A New Page

I love to cook, and I love to bake. A good friend of mine says cooking is fun and baking is relaxing. I agree. I could lose myself in a kitchen all day.

I have decided I need a new hobby.

I am going to become a cake decorator. I made Banana's birthday cake and decorated it using the single star tip. Yes it took me like 3 hours to do it, but it was worth and SO relaxing. I loved it.

Well my parents have seen how excited I am about cake decorating. They are taking me to the local craft store to sign me up for the Wilton Course 1 tomorrow afternoon.

I have not been this excited about anything in a very long time.

Not only with cake decorating itself, but the designing of cakes. I got out my 60$ colored pencils and designed my first cake. The reason I point out the cost of these pencils is they have not seen the light of day since probably 2002.

Not only has the love of cake decorating surfaced. My love of drawing and art has resurfaced. Once again I have colors and images swirling in my head. My hands itch to put these creations on paper. I can't wait to wake up in the morning and draw these pictures.

I won awards in high school and college for my art work. Most colored pencil and pastel work. One water color won me a $300 prize.

I drug out my canvasses again and am contemplating investing in another water color set.

It is nice to feel like the old me. I have missed you.

(Dear Peaches and Alexis, I have designed the logo for our bakeshop btw)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Another Angel

X had her baby last night. It only took 2 1/2 hours. They had a son. He has a playmate waiting for him.

Someone asked on my mommy board if you believe in Karma. I can't believe in Karma. Because what could I have done that was so terrible I deserved to lose a baby? What could X have done that was so terrible she deserved to lose a baby?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

FU Weather

I just talked to my mother in law and they have pushed X's induction off until Saturday. It is because of the weather. FU weather, FU.

Monday, February 8, 2010

What is family?

There was a thread on my mommy board about how much help your parents give you. The answers varied from "Help us? Ha we help them" to "My parents pay my bills every month". This got me thinking about my family.

There is no denying that my family is close. We spend holidays together, and sometimes we even just hang out. In fact one time Big Man was at his podcast and my parents came over and watched a movie.

Well this past Sunday I went grocery shopping with my dad. The roads were bad, but we needed things so instead of 2 vehicles going out we car pooled. We also shared one cart, as there were not many carts left with no snow on them.

When it came I went to pull out my wallet to pay, my dad said "Don't worry I'll pay for it." It wasn't much probably 20-30$ worth of stuff. I thanked him, but didn't make a big deal about it.

Today my parents called to ask if Big Man would mind clearing out their extra parking spot. He went over without a second thought. Then they took us out for dinner. Tomorrow night I am making chicken and dumplings and they are invited.

In 4 or 5 years, when they retire and sell their home, they are going to use some of the profit (the other part is going to my brother Surprise Mr. Penguin if you are reading this) to go as a down payment on a house.

Some people on the board would say "Well they should use that money for their retirement. They don't want you to be grown up. They want to keep a hold on you."

Well none of that is true.

They are going to live with us. My dad is getting older, and hates the idea of an assisted living facility. By moving in with Scott and I, my mom will have help taking care of my dad. There is no way she could take care of him by herself. I know he will know what we are doing, but hopefully he will be more ok with this, than a "home".

I guess the whole point of this ramble is, isn't this what families are for? To help take care of each other? Can't a family member just do something nice? Monetarily or not? We can't pay my parents back for the money they have given us. But we do for them what we can.
I love my parents, and I love my brother. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them. And I know if the chips are down, they would do whatever they can to help me.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Welcome to the Club....

that no one wants to be in.

Big Man's cousin X (not her real initial) is almost 4 months pregnant. She has been having spotting since the beginning of her pregnancy. Everything looked ok until this last sonogram.

The baby has no amniotic fluid. They go in for a repeat sonogram on Monday. But it looks like she is headed down the same road we took with Sara.

My heart breaks for her on so many levels. Not only is she losing her baby, but she and her husband are both devout Catholics. Only X's mom, aunt, Big Man and I know what choice they are actually going to be making. But both X and Y (her husband) know this will be the healthier choice in the long run for X.

I just wish we were closer than we are.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

3 years ago

Well Banana it was 3 years ago today that I had my 39 week check up and my favorite doctor at my OB practice said I needed to go to L&D because my blood pressure was getting high.

As I left the parking lot to go back to work, it started to sleet and snow. It was our first ice storm of the season. I called Big Man and told him. "Dr. D thinks it is time. Get your butt to my office." We worked about 20 minutes from each other at that point.

I told my boss that I had to go, that today was probably going to be the day. My co-workers wished me well and off Big Man and I went.

We arrived at L&D to be greeted by Dr. D who was starting her shift. She got me set up in triage and started the blood work and monitoring. She told me that, the on call doctor on Saturday the 3rd was one I didn't like. That if I wanted to go home, to come back on Sunday at 830 am when Dr D. came back on call and to tell the them that I was having contractions and Dr. D. would induce me on Sunday the 4th (Superbowl Sunday).

Well it turns out my numbers came back a little high, so Dr. D. said "Tonight's the night!".

I had planned trying to go all natural. With no epidural.

Big Man went down to the car to get our things, Jeopardy was on when Dr. D. came in and ruptured my membranes (Aka broke my water) so it was about 730. By the time she was done, Big Man was back. They got the pitocin going as well.

About an hour later I was 3 centimeters and the nurse came in. She asked how I was feeling. I told her I was a little uncomfortable, and was thinking about getting an epidural. She said that if I wanted one the anesthesiologist was on the floor now and he could do it now, she wasn't sure when he would be back up. There had been several accidents because of the ice.

So I said Sure send him in.

I got my epi and let me tell you it was wonderful. 10 Things I Hate About You came on the TV which is funny because that is one of my favorite movies. Big Man promptly fell asleep. Which kind of upset me, but then I remembered he had been up since 5 am.

When 10 Things ended Dr. D came back in and checked me I was at 5. She said she would be back at midnight. A Knight's Tale came on and I drifted in and out of sleep. When she came back she asked me "Would you be opposed to having a C-Section? You are at the highest level of pit and it is just not doing anything. I know you don't like Dr. X (their practice's on call doctor)".

"I'll take the section."

Dr. D said she would come back and check me at 2 am and if I was still at 5 we would do the c-section. I was like cool whatever.

Well at 2 am I was still at 5. So Dr. D went to go get let them know we would be doing a section. The nurse said she was surprised I was not upset. She said lots of women cry when the C-Section choice is made.

My comment to her was, I have lost one baby. I do not care how this one gets here as long as I get to take her home.

A side note. I know a lot of women have these grand ideas and expectations of child birth. To some it is the ultimate expression of motherhood.

My view on pregnancy and childbirth is skewed. I don't care HOW the baby gets here, drug me and cut me open, push it out of my hoo-haa, WHATEVER. Just as long as I get to go home with a baby. My birth plan will now and forever be, just to come home with a baby. Motherhood is not defined by how the baby got here. In fact some of the best mothers I know didn't give birth to their children, or carry them in their stomachs.

I remember looking at the clock in the OR, it was 230 AM. At 2:37 AM on 2/3/07 my daughter came screaming into the world. After giving birth to a silent baby, that scream was the sweetest sound ever.

You were beautiful.

Even at a day old you were trying to lift your head up and look around. You were bright eyed and alert from the very beginning. You were so special. You still are.

I have big dreams for you Monkey. You are so smart, you could be president, or a great diplomat. With your love of dance (You were dancing before you could walk) you could be a prima ballerina.

I want to give you the world. I want you to conquer it. But most of all I want you to be happy.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Kevin from the Sunny Side Up Show

We noticed Kevin was gone. We are big Kevin supporters in our household. So I googled "Where did Kevin from the Sunny Side Up Show go?"

Kevin is gone. What a load of baloney. Look at all the parents that miss him. Sprout just out of no where decided "Hey No More Kevin". This is an outrage. Please if your kids are fans of Sprout voice your displeasure at the link above.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


Well we went grocery shopping last night. Looking at our cart I was proud of myself. My plan for dinner last night changed. I was going to make Taco Salad. Well Big Man said he needed to run out and get something. I tell him I will start dinner when he gets back.

Well when he gets back I have no reason to start dinner. He comes home with MacDonalds....

Um what is he thinking?

"Well you have done so good on your diet that I thought you deserved a reward" Ok I can deal with this no big deal.... Until I see what he got me.

One of those Angus 1/3 pounders with a LARGE french fry and LARGE Dr. Pepper. Thinking about it now, I should have cut burger in half, and eaten about 1/4 of the fries and put the soda in the fridge for him later.

I eat the whole dang thing. Once I start I can't stop. I even realize about half way through I should stop but I just can't.

So this is a learning experience:

My body is finally recognizing proper eating cues. It is starting to develop a point where it knows to stop before becoming "stuffed". I just need to get my brain on board.

Oh well one day off the wagon won't kill me.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

My rewards

I know that one of the incentives to lose weight is a reward system. Some people do 5, 10 or 20. I think I will do 10.

10 lbs - New Movie from Target
20 lbs - Mani/Pedi/eyebrow wax
30 lbs - New pair of running shoes
40 lbs - New Jeans
50 lbs - Trip to CT (via train)
60 lbs - Trip to NC (via train)
70 lbs - New Tattoo
80 lbs - Rebok EasyFit
90 lbs - Deluxe spa treatment
100 lbs - Hair cut, dye and high lights

I can't think of any others (if you can think of any let me know, I can reorder).

Friday, January 8, 2010

My Non-Diet related goals for Next Week

I know my blog entries of late have been pretty redundant about diet and working out. But this year I am really trying to improve my outlook on life and I even feel better. Eating healthy and working out has made me feel better about myself, granted I am still overweight and have a long road to go but I have accomplished something.

I have decided to start making personal goals for my weeks too. I am going to make 5 and I will complete them in no set order.

*Really clean my kitchen and organize cabinets
*Get all laundry done and actually put it away
*Re-organize my bookshelves
*De-clutter my living room
*De-Clutter my dining room

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Couch to 5 K

I am out of shape. I mean REALLY out of shape. I get winded walking up 2 flights of stairs.

Well I started Couch to 5 K on Monday. A quick explanation is this program trains you to run/jog a 5K in 9 weeks.

Well Monday my warm up was 2.5 miles an hour, my walk was 3.7 miles an hour and my run was 5.1 miles an hour. It was hard but I did it.

Yesterday I feel off the diet bandwagon hard. I ate like 4 Reese's Peanut butter cups (that is like 200 hundred calories right there and when you are on 1200 a day that is a big chunk of your calories). I really didn't want to go to the gym. I just didn't want to. It took me really dragging myself, but I went.

I thought about keeping my numbers the same as Monday, but then realized if I really wanted this to work I was going to need to kick it up.

So my warm-up was 3.7 miles an hour, my walk was 4.5 miles an hour and my run/jog was 5.5 miles an hour. Now the way this works is you run for 60 seconds then walk for 90 seconds. After the first set I was ok, the second set I was hurting, by the third set I thought I was going to die. But you know what I did it. I pushed myself through it. My legs were screaming by the end (note to self stretch better) but I did it.

I had a discouraging moment when two skinny stick girls were snickering at me. But you know what? My ass may be 3 times the size of theirs, but so are my boobs. So I think in the end I win.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Is it cheating if it is a cucumber?

I was making my "Sassy Water" last night and the only cucumbers Shopper's has are huge. But the recipe only calls for medium cukes. Half is not a quite enough so I am left with like 1/3 of a cuke. I can't waste that delicious vegetable. Do you think my diet would be mad if I just ate it?

So far I have made just 2 small modifications to my diet plan. I didn't have any of the sunflower seeds I was supposed to eat for breakfast, so I ate 12 almonds, at half the calories and fat. And instead of the pint of cherry tomatoes I ate 1/2 cup of apple sauce. I thought I could eat the tomatoes, I just can't eat raw tomatoes. Tomorrow I am going to cut them up and eat them in my tuna. And FOUR ozs of turkey is a TON of turkey. But I am certainly full.

Dinner tonight I am going to brown the chicken in 1 tbsp of olive oil, season with cumin and chili powder. I am going to add the potatoes, and microwave the greenbeans.

My energy level is ok, I am certainly hankering for a cookie or something sweet, but I just have to bare through this "boot camp" of sorts and add them back in later.

Oh I found 2 awesome apps for my iTouch. The Couch to 5 K app will help me keep track while I run/walk. And the app called Lose it! which helps me keep track of calories.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

My Diet Starts Tomorrow

I wonder if it my subconscious that leaves the "T" off of diet?

Well I bought my Sketchers Shape-Ups on Thursday night. I wore them on Friday and OMG I felt the difference. My only complaint about them is you have to walk the way they recommend Which if you were in Marching Band in high school would not be hard to do. It is the heel roll to toe. You step down on your heel and roll forward to your toe. It is a little awkward at first but after a while you get used to it.

I am starting the "Flat Belly Diet" to kind of give me a jump start. It is a 32 day diet plan that starts you off with a four day "Anti-Bloat" plan. It is a 1200 calorie a day diet with meal plans that look like this:


1 cup corn flakes
1 cup skim milk
1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce
1/4 roasted or raw unsalted sunflower seeds
Glass of Sassy Water (stupid name)

4 oz deli meat turkey (low sodium)
1 low fat string cheese
1 pint fresh grape tomatoes
Glass of Sassy water

1 cup frozen fruit (blueberry, peach, strawberry)
1 cup skim milk
1 TBSP flax seed oil

1 cup cooked green beans
4 oz grilled tilapia
1/2 cup roasted red potatoes drizzled with olive oil
Glass of Sassy Water

(Sassy water is made the night before with 2 liters water, 1 cucumber, 1 lemon, 1 tsp freshly grated ginger, 12 mint leaves).

So that is what my meal plan looks like. It doesn't vary greatly from this pattern through the 4 days. I will miss milk and coffee. The coffee can come back after the initial "Anti-bloat" phase, but the milk will have to make sporadic appearances because, even skim milk is 80 calories for 8 oz, and when you are limited in calories you need to pick, do I want milk or more actual food.

Now starting Friday "real" food gets introduced back in, but depending on how well and how much weight I lose I may kick the 4 day and make it 8 days.